I so badly want to breastfeed Peanut. Lately she has been biting down while trying to nurse her and tonight it was so hard to just get through the feeding and make sure she got all that she needed. It hurt so bad. I was given advice previously that if needed I could give a bottle once and give my nipples short break that was ok. After trying to nurse her and her trying to latch aggressively and biting down almost right away I decided to go for her first bottle. Then came the trouble of her not wanting to eat from the bottle. So Grandma stepped in to feed her. I never realized it would be so hard to give her the first bottle. I like nursing even when it hurts so bad. Its the one thing that only I can do for her. Anyone can change her, or sing to her, or hug her and kiss her and give her cute nicknames. As long as I was only breastfeeding it was only me that could provide that for her. I don't know if that thought process stems from carrying her for 9 months but I like being the only one that can provide her with something. I almost wanted to cry when I started to give her the bottle. Like I should have been able to deal with the pain of breastfeeding and continue to do it.
Its not like I wasn't going to have to introduce a bottle at some point. I have to go back to work in a few weeks so sooner or later it was bound to happen. I was so unaware of how much it was going to affect me.
I originally wrote this post on March 5th and debated on whether I wanted to post it or not. Written in the middle of the night after waking up for a feeding. This post is raw feelings and my biggest moment thus far of mom guilt I've heard so much about. Its a lot easier now feeding her the bottle, however I still prefer to breastfeed and have gotten back to doing that more often than the bottle.
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